Coming out as socially awkward

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Sometimes I take Buzzfeed quizzes for fun. Not that I am much into them, but at times they make me ask questions about myself that I wouldn’t ask otherwise. So the reason I took this particular one is because I know that I am socially awkward – I just wanted to see how much. Or how much Buzzfeed thinks I am. Here’s my result:

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It makes sense to me. The reason why I took this quiz is because I have been sitting locked up in my room and fighting my dinner hunger, just because there are people out in the living room. In my defense, this is not my everyday situation. Most days I love to sit and chat with my flatmates, who are really nice people. But on some occasions, like today, I feel like I don’t know myself very well. I feel that sitting with them and not making a conversation would be rude, and I try my best to avoid putting myself in such a situation.

So what’s the deal here? People know who introverts are and who extroverts are. But there is this whole other dimension which is home to all the people in between, who remain relatively misinterpreted by those residing in the extremal dimensions of interoversion and extroversion (I don’t know if these are legit words, pardon me).

It is often disturbing for me to assess my own feelings here. Do I want to avoid contact with other humans because I don’t feel like doing it at that very moment? Or am I insecure about something within me? It is probably a mixture of both. There have been times when I have said something inappropriate, although I never meant to offend anyone. There are instances when I deliberately pretend to have not seen someone on the street so that I don’t have to say hello. And most often, I simply refuse to attend a party because oh, there are humans in a party. But funnily enough, there are times when I have danced the night away with people I had just met, or made quite a few witty jokes at a work meeting.

For me, what is scary is that I can never predict which side of me will emerge at a particular setting, and someone meeting me for the first time can have any possible impression of me, which might not be a representation of my true self at all. Also, do I know for myself what my true self is? Probably not.

I am sure there are many people who will relate to what I am trying to say. This blog post is comparatively shorter than my usual ones because I fail to express myself very well. If you understand, feel free to comment or get in touch with me. This is something that I want to discuss with someone who goes through similar issues. I am not sad that this is how I am. I just feel curious about how the human psyche works, and how many lost souls like mine are out there.

Maybe I should venture out and try to eat something after all. My stomach is simple. It doesn’t understand all of this.

P.S. I will try to add more to this article later on, when I find a louder voice and better words.

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